Ambivalence is the essence of motherhood

At first I was frustrated with myself for having such contradictory feelings. Now I have decided they are the essence of motherhood.

Most mothers are quick to write themselves up as selfish.

We feel selfish because we want some solitude or some time to get rat-arsed in a pub without a little one pulling at our elbows.

I have come to the conclusion that these "selfish" desires are just as important in our mothering as the desire to play with our children, snuggle them in and delight in their first words and handmade cards.

In the long, gradual, complex process though which a child becomes independent, it is just as important for the mother to hanker for time to herself as it is for the child to feel excitement about branching out on his or her own.

The process would be a whole load more difficult to negotiate if it did not work both ways.

Now, I'm glad that I thirst for my solitude even as I ache for my little arch-angel and look forward to him coming home.

It's a contradiction I will not try to straighten out.