On being ugly
When I woke up on Monday morning I could not open my eyes because they were glued together with gunk.
When I eventually managed to prise my lids apart, having dabbed at them with a warm flannel for quite a while, I was horrified by what I saw.
There was no need for a Halloween mask for me. Staring back at me in the mirror was someone I barely recognised.
My sockets had swollen up like tennis balls and the eyes themselves had been reduced to red slits with pus oozing out of them. I had Conjunctivitis.
The strange thing was that I felt well in myself yet I figured I could not go into work because I was too ugly for human consumption.
I find this interesting because I'm used to having Multiple Sclerosis where the reverse is true.
"You're looking so well," people would say as I was just about to collapse in a heap on the floor. Many times I was in work, when I should not have been, but I did not feel unprofessional for trying.
With Conjunctivitis, even once I was passed the contagious stage, I would have felt very unprofessional going into the office with pus oozing out of my slitty eyes.
It would have felt like breaking a taboo. The office, it seemed, is a place where we put on a face and perform not somewhere where we show ourselves in all our ugliness.
But I wonder whether I am right about this or not. Am I speaking from vanity? From misplaced pride? Or am I right in thinking that pus, and the vulnerability it represents, is not welcome in the world of work?
I shall ponder this while out of view....
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Interesting. I think you're right.
Appearances are very important especially where packs (like an office) are concerned.
I still haven't figured out the right response to "you're looking really well" when I feel like rubbish.
Interesting points made, although when it comes to accepting compliments in the "you look well" vein when I feel shoddy the response differs depending on to whom I am speaking.
To friends it would be: "Thanks, but actually I feel awful." I suppose something similar would apply to family members.
Actually, though, thinking about it, I couldn't think of any other people making a reference about my appearance! No one else would be qualified to make a judgment.
Not going to the office isn't vanity - it's purely practical. If you are there and you don't feel up to scratch, that will be largely ignored by senior colleagues and work will be given to you whether you can do it or not.
But if you are not there, it is an absolute statement of intent: I cannot do the work today.
Hope you feel better soon, Jo.
I usually say: "Thank you, but don't be deceived by appearances" when people say I'm looking well when I'm feeling rubbish. People have been quite startled by that response but there we go....
I AM glad that having MS hasn't made me look as bad as I have felt, I really am. But I deeply resent the notion that just because things seem OK all is well in the world. PAH!