X certificate singing

Watching the first of the new series of X Factor last night, now with a studio audience for the victims to perform for, it was patently obvious that most of the contestants are still being chosen because they are so bad. It's bread and circuses, just like in ancient Rome. The performers are there to give Simon Cowell a chance to do the Simon Cowell act, eyes rolling up etc. Sorry, son, I remember Tony Blackburn on Juke Box Jury, and know what an ancient showbiz tradition this is. Nasty plays well against the patented niceness of Cheryl Cole (above), her assault on a nightclub toilet attendant long forgotten.

The rest of the X Factor hopefuls are there because they can conform to the perception of what constitutes modern pop singing - Beyonce's name comes up a lot and no one hits one note when they can fit in five. Melisma is the technical name.

I must just say I hope someone picks up Simon's inconsistency in criticising one singer for picking old material and then drooling over the primary school teacher who made a crude scream out of a tune known best in the overheated Joe Cocker version from many years ago.

The point is I am now listening to a succession of people taking their turn at the pub's karaoke with a PA that could have been used at Woodstock and which clashes with evensong at the Parish Church at the other side of the Market Place - bet they're delighted as well.

And they are all absolutely dreadful. Cowell and Co's pernicious entertainment lottery has convinced people that you just have to make a noise in the manner of a hit record (rather as Vic Reeves used to do 'in the club style') and you could be a star, particularly if you have the 'personality' that appeals to these judges.

Incidentally, don't be surprised if this isn't Danii Minogue's last series. She's getting a bit long in the tooth now. No woman on TV over 30 is safe nowadays.