Who are you kidding? Jedward couldn't dance.

As a dance reviewer, I have spent years successfully closing myself off from the X-factor phenomenon. The robust wall of indifference to the show, however, was rudely permeated last weekend when I was forced to forego the GBH of the ears in a situation where my low opinion of the show was outnumbered and I was in no position to play remote DJ.

I let my guard down and allowed myself to succumb to the big reality debate. I saw how easy it is to be swept into thinking what actually just sounds like awful karaoke is the good stuff, and soon I was chanting supports and jibes with the rest of 'em.

But even in this delusional state I cannot be swayed into thinking that any aspect of the family-duet known as Jedward (John and Edward) is anything other than vulgar, and I will certainly not concede that they can dance, as one national TV critic fervently argues.

The blond baby-faced twins looked like battery-operated performing monkeys whose wires were wrongly linked up on Saturday night - inappropriately trying their best to thrust and swing their hips on scaffolding platforms, which made them look ridiculous and their performance worse than a year-three school talent competition. Thank goodness the public had the sense to put the poor boys out of their misery. Don't get me wrong, I know some rosy-eyed people think they were good, and no doubt will comment on this post, but don't try and argue they could dance. Their coordination was about as good as an Ecuadorian llama on heat.

In other dance news: the other half of the nation watching Strictly promptly ousted Ricky Grooves - another who'd stayed the talent show longer than he ought.