Recently by Nikki Aaron

Beijing is full of examples of magnificent architecture; the infamous CCTV tower, other known as 'the trousers', the birds nest, the water cube. And these are just the world famous ones! In reality, when you live in Beijing everyday is a full of surprises. Everyday week new buildings appear as if from nowhere, none of which, however, remind me of home...or so I thought. This new building, which has recently been completed, or recently landed from outer space, reminds me of a little place I once knew called Birmingham. Take a look at the pic and let me know what you think!

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Proving that we really are the country which embraces all cultures, food and...err, animals, Walkers have introduced their new trial flavour 'Cajun Squirrel'.

During my time in China I have ingested some questionable things, jelly fish, grasshopper and fish face, being amongst a few of the local delicacies, which I am often urged to share details of when attending parties here in the UK. But now, perhaps, the English can take away first prize for the most bizarrely flavoured crisps, replacing the Cucumber flavour crisps which have become a personal favourite of mine in Beijing.

Has anybody ever heard of a more bizarre flavour than Squirrel?

I always thought that those Little Women were just being a tad materialistic, but this year I realised that they were right when they famously said; "Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without any presents." What I have come to realise is that Christmas really isn't Christmas without the presents...turkey, family arguments, hangovers, overeating, burnt roast potatoes, debt, brussell sprouts, and everything else that we completely take for granted!

However, westerners living in Beijing will strive to do their utmost to keep tradition alive by drinking and being as merry as they can manage to be. With Beijing being as westernised as it is, there is definitely no shortage of Christmas trees, festive decorations and St. Nick effigies, we feel the excitement there, but it all feels a tad redundant when on Christmas morn there is no family and no presents to unwrap.

When you've been living in china long enough, you begin to learn that you must find your excitement elsewhere. And when you have become truely easternised (myself not yet being qualified, having only been in china 2 years), you'll have been counting down the days to the Chinese new years celebrations, or what is also known as Spring festival.

Like our Christmas, Chinese New Year is the biggest event on the calendar in china, and the only time in the year that every person gets enough time to travel to their home towns and relax with their families. Not wanting to feel completely abandoned and alone in Beijing, I decided to do the exact same thing and travel home to visit my family and friends in good ol' Blighty.

Feelings of excitement mixed with nerves engulfed me as I arrived at Heathrow, and I felt slightly intimidated by the seemingly tall and burly built people at the airport. Strangest thing is, though, as soon as I arrived home I felt like I hadn't even been away. My mother had redecorated and my younger brothers had grown, but there were no radical changes, and nothing knew to adapt to, just an overwhelming feeling of safety and comfort.

Yet worryingly, I can't help but feel that I have perhaps 'outgrown' my home...I guess this is all part of growing up, becoming independent and finding a new and different sort of home in a new and different sort of country.

I have said it once and I will say it again; I LOVE the China Daily newspaper. LOVE it. Nothing beguiles me more than to read about the lives of others, especially the lives of the Chinese folk. After living in the UK for 24 years, nothing ceased to amaze me with the people of Britain, so living in China I have been thrilled, amazed and down-right fascinated by things that people do, and more to the point, WHY they do them.

Check out this recent story, courtesy of the Shanghai Evening Post:

Disgruntled Son Hides In Sewer From Family

A man in Shanghai sat tight in a filthy sewer for more than an hour to hide from family members.
Ye, a Shanghai local in his early 30s, had quarreled with his kin and decided to hide from them in the cesspit.
After police found him hiding in a sewer with a diameter less than 1m, they feared he would suffocate amid the dirty water and slime.
Too big to follow him and wholly reluctant to do so anyway, they kept beckoning Ye to come out of his own accord.
They eventually coaxed him out.

There's just two things I yearn to know about this story. 1. What did the family quarrel about that made him take such drastic measures? 2. Ok, so in China there aren't really any proper pubs, but how about visiting a bar, or just taking a walk? I mean, was there really no other alternative than to sit in the sewer??!

People are fascinating.

It's no big secret to anyone in Beijing that the sex trade is very much alive and openly available to anyone minus the naming and shaming that one might receive back home in Blighty. My rationale being that foreign men feel that because they are away from their own country they think they can get away with behaving a bit more boyish, and ever so badly. One might be fooled into believing that the redly-lit massage parlours with the pretty-faced young Chinese girls are there for no more than one looking for a quick shoulder rub, but as any guy will tell you, "you may get more than you bargained for".

Expatriate male friends of mine have excitedly engaged us with the unnecessary details of the kinds of mischief they have gotten into at the elusive karaoke houses in Beijing, in which men are presented with their choice of naked Chinese girls to fulfill their every whim. All comes at a price, of course, and if you're not happy with the price, you negotiate. How comforting to know that you can not only haggle over the price of your new shoes, but also your next lay.

Expat men can indulge themselves until they are so exhausted that they have to go home and back to 'reality'. As you can imagine, the lives of the expat women is not nearly as much 'fun'. Expat women marginally sit back, sip their vodka and tonics, and shake their heads as they watch another expat man's ego rocket through the roof when a beautiful Chinese girl gives him a second glance in a nightclub. But what does he care what the expat women think? This isn't the real world; this may as well be Never-never land. Well, guys, Captain Hook lived in Never-never land too and look what kind of reputation he got for himself!

Autumn in the city is Beijing at its best. The days are beautifully sunny, the air is fresh and clean, and everybody feels invigorated and ready for winter after their October week-long holiday. And what do Chinese people do during their October break? Hike mountains, go to the suburbs, or generally escape to anywhere that has a little fresh air. Having climbed my mountain, and survived, I spent the rest of the week in city, and completely lost! The city was eerily quiet without the horn-tooting and the singing outside my window at 6am.

Having recharged our batteries, everyone is back on full form and counting down the days until the arrival of the Kate Moss Topshop range in Beijing...or is that just me who is as excited as a kid at Christmas?

This month Avril Lavigne and Linkin Park visit Beijing, however the hoards of Linkin Park fans have been massively disappointed in finding out today that all 5 dates of their Asia tour have been cancelled due to lead singer Chester Bennington having sustained a back injury. Hopefully not due to an October holiday hiking mishap.

The rest of October looks set to be an exciting time for me. I've agreed to run a 10k marathon next Sunday, but having been so busy have not had time to train at all! Luckily I've booked myself in for a well-deserved trip to the mountains (where else), at a yoga retreat. The weekend is a 'back to basics' escape from the city, with yoga, calligraphy, chanting and drumming. Just hope they throw in a free massage, too... I think I'm going to need it after that 10k crawl to the finish line.

Today I was told by my Chinese friend that I have no sense of humour. After three bouts of fake laughing at his "classic" Chinese jokes, I was faced with the choice of either telling him that his jokes made me want to injure myself, or actually injure myself, by causing a hernia from too much fake laughing.

Do people ever realise the pressure they put on you when they decide to tell you a joke. There are numerous stress factors involved, such as; a. What if you don't get the joke - you'll look like a fool. b. What if it's not funny, he/she will be humiliated. So, you'll have to fake a laugh. c. Timing the fake laugh correctly and making it convincing.

It really is a danger zone out there in the world of witticisms. I suppose that's why most comedians are manic depressives and/or alcoholics. Either of which I sincerely hope my Chinese friend does not become because of me.

So, I'm going to let you decide. Are these jokes only funny to Chinese, hyenas and the drunk and disorderly? Or have I lost my sense of humour?

Here goes...

'Side-splitter' number 1: >"There was a man called 'Hy' and he looked like a motorcycle. One day some person rode him away."

Yes, that is the whole joke. The end. Cue fake laughing.

If that one didn't have you in pieces, try this one for size...

'Side-splitter' number two: >>"The was a match that never washed his hair. One day his head was really itchy so he scratched it and he set himself alight. And burned to death."