Recently by Nikki Aaron

Since the age of about 18, when I found an old copy under my then boyfriends bed, I have been an ardent reader of Viz comic. Yes, it has been viewed as sexist and politically incorrect, but the humour is dry and satirical, something which you rarely find anywhere else these days, and something that I crave once every now and then. Having been in China for well over a year, I have felt a massive void when it comes to humour. And so, with a pleading email to my father every few months, he nips down to the local newsagents and hastily posts me a copy of the latest Viz. Good old Dad. Why is his 25-year-old daughter more interested in reading an adolescent boy's comic and not Heat magazine, he must wonder.

However, inbetween Viz comics I have found a satisfying relacement. The English language Chinese newspaper. The 'fillers' are my favourite. The fact that these are true stories that the Editor has selected out of all the happenings in China, I find delightfully amusing. It puts me in mind of the 'Letterbocks' pages from Viz, where readers write in with their own ridiculous tales.
Yesterday's paper entertained me with such newsworthy stories as the following, "a yellow-billed grosbeak slammed into a shop window and died in Taiyuan, capital of Shanxi province.
A second bird settled on the ground near the dead animal, appearing to keep vigil.
A woman passing by surnamed Liu tried to explain to the lingering live bird - which of course did not understand her flurry of excited hand signals - that she would give the dead grosbeak a proper buriel."
- Shanxi Evening News

How that didnt make front page, I will never know.
I like to imagine that lady frantically doing sign language to a bird, trying to tell it that she will give it's mate a plush funeral. And in my imagination, the bird is looking back at her with one of those "she's mental" expressions on it's little furry face.

Another one of my favourites from the same issue, is...
"A woman in Hankou, Hubei province, did not see her husband when she woke up on Tuesday morning. He did not answer her calls all day.
Worried that he might have been kidnapped, she alerted police that he was missing.
Later, officers found the man camping out on the roof of their home.He said he was hiding from a gang of criminals who had recently threatened him at the small grocery store he owns.
Both police and his wife wondered why the man, 42-year-old Huang Liang, had not informed his spouse."
- Chutian Metropolis Daily

Fabulous. Have I been away too long, or are these the kinds of newsworthy stories we find in western papers too? Perhaps it's the way that the stories are worded that amuses me.. Or perhaps i've just been eating too much street BBQ food this week.

From an outside-of-a-relationship perspective, I have always advised my friends never to change for a man. Be who you are. And if he doesn't appreciate you as you are, then get rid and move onto the next. Being the supportive best friend, and the much hated girlfriend's best friend, has been a role that I feel I have excelled in. It's so much easier to be objective when you are not involved in a relationship yourself.
However, when you are the one involved in a relationship, the objective way of thinking becomes somewhat hazy, and you'll find that no matter how much your best friend demonises your boyfriend for making you want to listen to a different kind of music, this is just something that you find you want to do. It's about keeping your lover interested, finding a common ground, and adapting to maintain attraction.

When the relationship ends, perhaps you will find that it has changed you. Maybe you continue to listen to that new music and do those new things. The relationship has broadened your mind, and taught you something new. You live and you learn. The biggest lesson of all usually being, don't date someone like that again.

If Beijing were a person, like you and I, I would say that Beijing has been looking for some love interest for quite a while now. Beijing's not unattractive, in fact rather beautiful. It has a reputation, sure, but name one place or someone that doesn't...

After a long time 'developing' and doing it's own thing, Beijing now finds that it will finally be in for some romance this Summer. Summer lovin', if you please. In fact, this Summer will be like Beijing appearing on Chris Tarrant's Man-O-Man, as the only bear-chested contestant in front of an audience of over-sexed middle-aged women. The world's eyes, and not just those belonging to females, will be trained on Beijing for a whole four weeks while it hosts the 2008 Olympic Games.
In preparation for it's 'close-up', Beijing has already begun to change it's appearance. Obviously it wants to look it's best for this date.
So, it's cutting down on it's smoking habit. No more smoking in restaurants and taxi's, for this city, which is an achievement in itself. It has also noticed that it's a bit smelly, and err toxic, so it has cut down traffic pollution by alternating the days for which people can use their vehicles. And to show that it is the caring and environmentally aware type, it has placed charges on plastic carrier bags, in the hope that people will use less, and recycle more.
Commited, check. Hygenic, check. Caring of mother Earth, check.
Add a little bit of 'wow' factor by throwing in a few impressively big and odd-shaped buildings, and bingo. It's innovative and good-looking. Beijing could be the perfect man-o-man.

Now whereas I have always (hypocritically) advised my friends to never change for a man, a man changing for a woman seems...ok. I'm no Germaine Greer, but I do think that if there's something annoying about your man you could try your luck and ask him to quit it. I'm not talking about drastic things, like encouraging your lover to have liposuction or abandon his family... Really! But perhaps a well-timed hint that the moustache that he's trying, and failing terribly, to grow, makes him look like a reject from the village people. Or that when he chews his food with his mouth open it you feel an uncontrollable urge to spear him with your fork/chopstick. Not that I condone violence in a relationship. Or any place, for that matter.

Of course if changes are made, you need to know that they're going to be taken seriously. If I promise to not sing in the mornings, then he must promise to never expose his feet until they have been thoroughly bathed in dettol. And we should accept these little 'nit-picks' as friendly advice from a loved one that they are incredibly annoying and unattractive. We should be thankful that they have pointed out these things, because it means that by stopping you from doing this they have improved you as a person.

What makes Beijing the equivalent of the perfect man, is that it has made a commitment to stop all of these unattractive things, and prove to the world that it is wonderfully caring, hygenic, modern, multicultural and innovative, and not the slob that people have always assumed.

Ergo I find that I like my cities like I like my men. Willing to change and ambitious. Not to mention, big and rich.

Dear oh dear, poor Sharon Stone must be kicking herself. Correction, Sharon Stone's publicist must be kicking her, as this week she spectacularly put her foot in it by alienating the third largest country in the world. Dear oh dear indeed.

At the Cannes Film Festival, the usual press surrounded the stars to get a few quotes to fill their column inches. Imagine the scene as the journalists asked Stone the standard questions... "How did you like working with (insert name of director/actor)?", "Tell us about your new film...", etc etc. Then one cocky journalist decides to try his/her luck and ask her to comment on the (very touchy) topic of the situation between China and Tibet. There are a few sniggers from the other journos in the crowd; of course she's not going to comment on that! Celebrities can rarely get away with having a public opinion when it comes to politics. Unless it's written into a song, ala Bono, Lennon, Dylan. A catchy melody tends to filter a bit of tension between insults, we've discovered.
Unfortunately, Stone didn't have a catchy melody, or a thought for her flailing career when she let rip, "I'm not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans". Well, not many people are, Shaz. Surely, she must have some great intellectual follow up to such an over-opinionated remark.. "(...) because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else." Oh I see. Well that's a good enough reason then... Isn't it?

She could have left it at that, and perhaps got away with losing a few Chinese fans, but she went on to add that she reckons that because China were mean to Tibet, the Sichuan earthquake happened. Ouch. So Stoney turns out to be a big believer in karma - the Hindu and Buddhist belief of cause and effect. It's no big deal. If we can accept that Tom Cruise believes we're all aliens, and Michael Jackson believes he's Peter Pan, we can come to terms with Sharon Stone believing in karma. In fact, I'm actually a believer in karma myself, but only really to the point of if I'm rude to my mum then I'll break a fingernail. If I did have strong opinions about more pressing matters, such as the reason why my mate's husband left her must be because she dropped his toothbrush down the toilet and didn't tell him, I'd have the sense not to blab about it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people don't like blabbers. Blabbing is bad.

I think that Sharon Stone blabbed a bit too much that day. And her karmic retribution is that she'll be lucky if any film featuring her will be shown in China and Hong Kong for a while, and her advertising campaigns for names such as Christian Dior have all been removed from stores and billboards. There is now a call for a boycott of other products with which Stone is said to be associated, such as Guerlain and Ebel. Phew-wee, now that's some bad karma. She must've dropped a whole lot of toothbrushes down the toilet, as well as insulted *1321851888 people.

For future reference, we can make the assumption that blabbing equals bad karma, kids.

*Population of China 2007, courtesy of wiki.answers.com
Quotes courtesy of Beijing Today 30/05/08 p.5

Ask a Chinese person what their opinions are of Englishmen and a majority will sigh (women only, usually) and confidently reply, "Englishmen are gentlemen."

How embarrassing for me when I have to correct them and say, "well, actually....not anymore.."
Sometimes I just don't say anything. I just smile and raise my eyebrows.

Exactly how out of date are these perceptions that China has about England? Are we talking Austen era? Shakespearean times? Because I can't remember the last time I thought to myself, "that man was so chivalrous when he chose to spit into the bush and not onto my walk way".

Having said that, I've been away from home for a long time, and have somehow also begun to believe that English men are all floppy haired and bumblingly apologetic, in a Hugh Grant-esqe way.

Very rarely will a Chinese man hold open the door for you, offer you his jacket, or allow you exit the elevator first. Out here, it's every man for himself. I cuss under my breath, as I convince myself "this would never happen in England".

Perhaps I've been in China far too long. You could live in paradise and begin to get narky at something or other. The stupid weather is too hot on my perfect caribbean island. Those flippin' angels are playing those harps again, don't they ever give it a rest?! It's completely true that we're never happy with our lot.

When I'm in a bad mood, I become Miss Patriot 2008, I don't wear a sash or tiara or anything, but I do convince myself that the food, weather, people, and even the traffic are so much better in England than anywhere else. Much alike when we have a bad day in England, we consider emigrating.

I secretly console my bad moods with my 'Pride and Prejudice' ideal of England and English people, that could only have been created through a detachment from home.

Man, am I in for a shock when I return home...

The news reports on the television and the headlines on the internet are stupefying.

Given that the country that this almighty tremor happened in is where I am right at this moment.

Being English, I am used to watching these terrific natural disasters on the television as I sip my tea and shake my head in dumbfoundness. It seems like a different world as I sit in my cosy cocoon of western safety.

I love my Chinese students. And while it's a pain preparing lessons and having to wake up sleeping students in the back row every five minutes, it's always worth it to hear the little improvements, and their their logical method to approaching such an illogical language as English.

Last year I taught cabin attendants; classes of 40 impossibly beautiful Chinese girls and boys who were all far more interested in what I was wearing more than their English textbooks. They would spend our classes flicking through magazines and giggling behind their hands, taking photographs of themselves on their mobile phones using the standard pouting, wide-eyed pose, or giving the peace sign. The effort these girls went to to make themselves appear cute and child-like would irritate me at times. They were young ladies of 20 and 21, and yet they drank their tea out of baby bottles, sucked on dummies and spoke in sickly sweet childlike voices that would make Michael Jackson cringe. Predictably, though ever so disturbingly, the boys found it adorable.

In the same school I also taught the air mechanics classes. Most of these students were the boyfriends of the cabin attendants, or harbouring a massive crush on a cabin attendant. I loved these students, even more so when they weren't spitting out of the windows. These boys were amusing and straightforward with me, and so I tried my best to reciprocate. For instance, they all had ridiculous English names, like Adidas, Hitler, Rain and Kobe. So when two boys decided to call themselves Shirley and Mavis, I told them that they had old lady names and that perhaps they would like to change. They said "no thank you". Right-o then!

I swiftly became fascinated by stereotypes after moving to China and learning that not all Chinese people are really short, ride bicycles and do kung fu. So I am always curious to know what preconceptions my students have about English people. My class of air mechanics were the perfect candidates to tell me it like it is. The answers I got were..."Englishmen are gentlemen. They carry umbrellas everywhere they go." "English people live for football." "English people have big noses and red faces.." Maybe that's just me..? "English women are very ... open and drink too much". Most definitely not me... Ahem.

This year, having moved to Beijing, I was disappointed to hear that my students would be Doctors and Pilots. I expected them to be uber serious and boring, so no fun for me. Yet I've found quite the opposite. The doctors, for instance, are all old enough to be my parents, but instead of this being a bad thing, it means that I can have grown up conversations with them! We have debates, I teach them English cursing, and their eagerness to learn means that I can hold more in-depth and intellectual conversations with them than I can confess to having had with some native English speakers.

I figure that your early twenty's is a period of major transition. This is the changeover from child to adult. As a 25-year old, I simply can't hold a conversation with a 20 year old. We have nothing in common. Put me in a room with a 20-year-old of any nationality, and I guarantee there will be nothing but space between us.

From my experience, a Chinese 20 and 21 year old is significantly more naïve in comparison to Western young adults. As the average English 20 year old might be contemplating which dummy to buy their toddler, the Chinese 20 year old is wondering which dummy to accessorise with their pink hair ribbons. If you were to ask my opinion, I would have to say that teaching 20 year olds is very similar to teaching children, albeit considerably less endearing.

Despite my impatience with child-like 20 year olds, I am actually super-great with children. So much so that I have a part-time job tutoring two 11-year-old girls. Their English names are May and Lisa, and they are without doubt the highlight of my week. They make me laugh more in 2 hours of tutoring more than I do in a weeks worth of lessons and playtime. Their English is at a high enough standard for us to have semi-serious conversations. 'Semi-serious' because their facial expressions and the way they act out their conversations would put Lee Evans and Jim Carrey out of work. Last week I taught them the names of different kinds of sports, which they had to act out when I called out. My all time favourites being synchronised swimming and weight lifting. (Try and imagine their facial expressions please!) As people get older, they really do get less and less amusing.

So for a teacher who never wanted to be and still doesn't plan on being a teacher, I do so love teaching. I should imagine that teaching English students would be considerably less amusing. Especially seeing as teachers in the UK are never likely to be faced with the question "why don't we call toes, 'foot fingers'?"
It's a question that's still got me head scratching...

I'm not sure how popular they are in the rest of the world, or whether they are known atall, but in China the Beijing 2008 Olympic mascots have quite simply taken over. They're everywhere!

The five Fuwa, which means "good-luck dolls", all represent a different element of Chinese ancient philosophy. Beibei is a Fish, Jingjing is a Giant Panda, Huanhuan represents fire, Yingying, the Tibetan antelope, and Nini a swallow.

The first syllable of their names, Beibei, Jingjing, Huanhuan, Yingying, Nini, mean "Beijing huanying ni", which in English means, "Beijing welcomes you". Their colours also correspond with the 5 Olympic rings.

So while everybody in China has their favourite mascot, perhaps it's time that you did too!

My favourite is Nini. We share the same Chinese name!

As I sign into my msn account, the top twenty names flash up with 'Red Heart China'. This is surely not coincidence.

When I asked my Chinese friends why they had added Red Heart China logo to their names, they were relatively brief with their explanations.
One friend told me, "I don't know, I see everybody had added, so I added."
Another told me; "Have you found that many Chinese msn have a "Red Heart China"? It means love China. It is a kind of unity, which shows that we love China."

But I was still interested in how it all began. Did somebody tell them to do this?
For this particular friend, like many others, it had been passed by word of mouth.
"My friend told me to do it".

A western friend, who had also added the Red Heart China symbol, was a little more enlightening.
"Hey mate, it's because of Tibet. Everyone is getting patriotic. Stand up to France mainly. People are boycotting French products. It's an Olympic torch issue".

According to China Daily, 2.3 million Chinese users have already added the Red Heart China onto their msn, either ahead of, or instead of their names. It's a spontaneous show of patriotism that is still growing by the minute. These people are being called Nationalist "Netizens".

I think that everyone has his or her own reasons for adding the Red Heart China logo. These days in China, the already patriotic people are becoming super proud of their country as the Olympics draw near. Whether they believe that it is a show of unity in support of Tibet, an Olympic torch issue or simply a fashion statement, I think is dependent upon the individual interpretation.

Oh woe is me as I find myself living in a country devoid of Youtube. I never thought of myself as an internet dependent individual, but am in absolutely no denial about my addiction to British broadcasting. Namely, Eastenders.

You may think it's rather sad that despite the fact that I live in the most culturally rich country in the entire world, I still feel compelled to hear some cockney banter and watch sensationally far-fetched storylines. But what can I say, this was my reality touchstone, however unrealistic.

But now, it has been taken away from us in China.

When your boyfriend is a very busy Chinese businessman, you will find that very often your dates will be cancelled, and sometimes you wont see him for a few days when he has to attend business trips. My mum calls this suspicious, but i'm sure she wishes my Dad would take more business trips. However, I don't moan, because this kind of lifestyle suits me perfectly. I can't be bothered with all that living in each other's pockets malarky, and I don't like a guy to be too available, if that makes sense? It makes me like him more if he has an overly-active work and social life, because it shows that I must be important enough to him for him to want to fit me into his already chockablock schedule. I'm not talking myself up much here, am I..? Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, but he's got his things going on, and I have mine. Anyway. I'm rambling. Last week was one of those particularly busy weeks for him, which meant that I was cancelled on in favour of business meetings three times in a row, so I didn't see him for three days. However, all was forgiven when Thursday (my only day off) came around and he introduced me to a place that, up until now, I had only dare dream really existed. This place is called the Top Yangyuantang Club, which obviously means nothing to you, but to me sounds like "take the day off", or "drinks are on the house", or some other great sentence that you rarely hear.