Reduce tourist visas to stop unwelcome foreign relatives

He was getting married and, in the true spirit of celebration invited a close relative over from Punjab, India. He sent him an invitation and a sponsorship form and, within a few weeks, his Indian uncle had obtained a visa from the British High Commission in New Delhi - just like that.

Surprisingly, however, he missed the wedding and arrived rather nonchalantly, instead, a few days later. Was he taking the mick? Well, it certainly didn't please my friend given that the whole premise of his coming over was the wedding itself. But, he found out that his uncle had other ideas in mind.

Within a couple of weeks, my friend told me, he started becoming restless and began asking for someone - such as my friend - to take him out and show him the wonderful sights of our country. My friend did as much as he could, spending his own money in London, Manchester, Stratford-upon-Avon, the Lake District and north Wales, but obviously there's a limit to hospitality. There is, after all, only so much you can do especially if you're working five days a week and in need of time to yourself as well - not forgetting that he and his wife were still in a honeymoon period.

So soon my friend had to say diplomatically, 'I'm sorry but I can't keep taking you around ever weekend because we can't afford it' (hint, hint). His uncle took offence at this and said contemptuously, 'Well, then get me a job so that I can earn some money of my own.' My friend thought he was pulling his leg. But he wasn't.

Now, bearing in mind that anyone who comes over on a tourist visa cannot work here legally, the option they take - especially when they don't speak a word of English - is to seek illegal work in an Asian sweatshop or a local grocery store where it's not uncommon to find legal (or illegal) visitors.

Anyway, my friend declined and explained that it's illegal and that he too would be breaking the law if he helped him seek illegal employment. His uncle took offence at this and decided to live with another relation of his in Middlesex - one who presumably wouldn't be so unaccommodating to his illegal wishes.

Or so he thought.

Almost a year later my friend spoke to the relation who offered his uncle the alternative shelter. This man told him how difficult it was to look after someone - providing him with food and a roof over his head - for six months. He said, the uncle had told him that my friend had kicked him out - which clearly wasn't the case. Even the relation realised this. He said he gave him so many hints to go back to India but he just wouldn't take notice.

Apparently - and this is very surprising - six months is the minimum period for a tourist visa. Why, the relation asked, are tourists given such a long period of stay in this country? Living with visitors from abroad with whom you have very little in common - apart from a vague ancestry - is a nightmare. Getting them to go back is almost impossible. He said it's like a prison sentence or living in the Big Brother house with a guest from hell.

So you can imagine how flabbergasted he was when the uncle suggested at the end of the six months period - and in all seriousness - to extend his stay of entry. As if, thought the relation, packing his bags and ordering the taxi.

Now this might sound shocking but it's quite typical as a scenario and might be familiar with other British Asians. And it doesn't just apply to ordinary visitors looking for an opportunity to make some money whether it's by working here (as in the case of my friend's uncle) or - if they're young enough - by getting married to someone of a British national.

It might equally apply to 'spiritual' guides such as the one my cousin invited over, a seemingly humble Sikh pundit. After six torturous months of looking after since April last year - and when it was time for him to leave - he suddenly came up with a story that he was being persecuted in India for being a Sikh. He wanted to apply for asylum. My cousin was shocked by his startling cock-and-bull testimony of which even he, as his disciple, could not swallow for a second. So he refused to help him with his asylum application only to find that the following day, the guru did a runner.

Even to this day, after more than five months since his disappearance, my cousin has no idea of where he suddenly vanished. I joked that but perhaps the Police should start checking up on sweatshops and grocery stores. Yes, he agreed. Unless, of course, he's hitched up with an Asian woman of a certain age and applied for a British passport. Then it's anyone's guess as to whose proverbial leg he's pulling...